It’s boiling! So, seeking for further amusement They paid and went into the zoo Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els And old ale and sandwiches too. Well I just cannot say, My ghastliest fears are rampaging away, I fret, while pretending to savour the drive, Are flames licking round my Chanel No 5?And mentally, throughout the show and applause, I check our insurance to look for the clause, That says any payout is shrouded in doubt, If you don’t turn your tongs off before you go out.Is my beautiful bathroom now swirling in smoke? You’re blocking out the mirror! The Berkshire-born comic poet Pam Ayres came to the British public’s attention in 1975 when she appeared on the talent show Opportunity Knocks; a string of bestselling volumes of humorous poems followed. We need to stay inside. THE DOLLY ON THE DUSTCART I'm the dolly on the dustcart, ... Modern children like so much, I'm one of those hard old dollies, What are very cold to touch, Modern dolly's underwear, Leaves me a … I met her a few years ago at a book launch. Round they went to the Police Station In front of a Magistrate chapThey told 'im what happened to Albert And proved it by showing his cap.The Magistrate gave his o-pinionThat no-one was really to blame He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms Would have further sons to their name.At that Mother got proper blazing "And thank you, sir, kindly," said she"What waste all our lives raising childrenTo feed ruddy lions? There's his cap! It’s the silence. Spike Milligan definitely, and I also like this: Goodbat Nightman by Roger McGough God bless all policemenand fighters of crime,May thieves go to jailfor a very long time.They've had a hard dayhelping clean up the town,Now they hang from the mantelpieceboth upside down.A glass of warm bloodand then straight up the stairs,Batman and Robinare saying their prayers. Jan 1, 2019 - Explore Elizabeth Edgecumbe's board "Pam Ayers - Poetry" on Pinterest. Pa said, "Am I sure? I wish I'd been that much more willin' When I had more tooth there than fillin' To pass up gobstoppers, From respect to me choppers And to buy something else with me shillin'. A grand little lad was their AlbertAll dressed in his best; quite a swell 'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle The finest that Woolworth's could sell.They didn't think much to the oceanThe waves, they was fiddlin' and small There was no wrecks... nobody drownded'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all. Read what Mumsnetters thought of Cicaplast B5 repairing balm, Share your tips for keeping your children’s skin comfortable through the winter months, Share your tips for saving on your energy bill with ESB Energy, Talk widget showing discussions of the day & trending threads, Subscribe to Mumsnet emails direct to your inbox. Don’t say you’re going to eat another snack. Homework! See more ideas about poems, verses, funny poems. We are off for a treat, it’s my birthday today, To London. This is a select list of the best famous Pam Ayres poetry. Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money by Pam Ayres. Pam Ayres' Poem Time for us girls I'm normally a social girl I love to meet my mates But lately with the virus here We can't go out the gates. ; Sling Another Chair Leg on the Fire, Mother; and, of course, Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth. So straight 'way the brave little feller Not showing a morsel of fearTook 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle And pushed it in Wallace's ear! Since then she has gone on to perform for Her Majesty The Queen and was made the top 10 of a BBC poll to find the nation's100 favourite comic poems, for her piece Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth. She had written the foreword to a book written by June Lewis who like her lived in the Cotswolds as we did then. Pam Ayres: In Her Own Words. That little dog convinced me I was someone’s one and only. They’ll never know the things we did. A hairy tartan blanket in her basket on the floor. Share your comments. I know shes a patron of the BHWT but didnt know shed written a poem to them. The keeper was quite nice about it He said, "What a nasty mishap Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?" The poor old geezer’s driving in a trance! Would be appreciae some suggestions. Here comes Pam Ayres…and she looks like a cod!’. I'd rather take bathswith a man-eating shark,or wrestle a lionalone in the dark,eat spinach and liver,pet ten porcupines,than tackle the homeworkmy teacher assigns. by Pam Ayres Will I have to be sexy at sixty? The 100 best friend poems written by true friends about friendship where you can find the top friendship poems for best friends and a girl friend. Always at my journey’s end, when I was flat and lonely. Pam Ayres celebrates 30 years in show business with her one-woman show which was recorded live at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham in 2005. Roger McGough, I've always loved this oneI STUDIED my tables over and over, and backward and forward, too; But I could n’t remember six times nine, and I did n’t know what to do, Till sister told me to play with my doll, and not to bother my head. But Mother had turned a bit awkward When she thought where her Albert had goneShe said, "No! She says that she wrote them to be proclaimed out loud with gusto. From which she sprang to terrify all knockers at the door. Amazon.co.uk: pam ayres poems Select Your Cookie Preferences We use cookies and similar tools to enhance your shopping experience, to provide our services, understand how customers use our services so we can make improvements, and display ads. Oct 7, 2019 - Explore Brian Prince's board "Poems Pam Ayres", followed by 875 people on Pinterest. And if we hear a knocking And it’s creepy and it’s late, I hand you the torch you … The tail that wagged so furious, the eyes that shone so bright. About Lockdown – by Pam Ayres I'm normally a social girl I love to meet my mates But lately with the virus here We can't go out the gates. To tell my friend I don't want her "birthday gift"? I’m normally a social girl. Get the right poem for your girl friend or best friend on their birthday and more. You see, we are the 'oldies' now We need to stay inside If they haven't seen us for a while They'll think we've upped and died. Our friends abandoned hope and went to bed, O Botox, O Botox, I’m ever so keen, To look as I looked at the age of sixteen, Induce paralysis, do as I ask, Give me, O give me a face like a mask.O take up a surgical bicycle pump, And give me some lips that are lovely and plump, Young men will stagger and say ‘Oh my God! They’ll think we’ve upped and died. You see, we are the ‘oldies’ now. "Give me the camera, quick, oh quick!He's crawling out of the duckweed. It is blacker than the night. Pam Ayres is celebrated in the UK (and far beyond) as a favourite radio, TV and stage entertainer; it is impossible to read her comic poems without hearing her voice in your head. A little greasy collar, a yellow rubber bone. So I took my favorite, Mary Ann (though I thought ’t was a dreadful shame         5To give such a perfectly lovely child such a perfectly horrid name), And I called her my dear little “Fifty-four” a hundred times, till I knew The answer of six times nine as well as the answer of two times two. I love to meet my mates. And Milligan will always make me smile. No comments have so far been submitted. But lately with the virus here we can’t go out the gates. Autumn 2020. "So Mr and Mrs RamsbottomQuite rightly, when all's said and doneComplained to the Animal Keeper That the lion had eaten their son. What a woman. Reading, writing, and enjoying famous Pam Ayres poetry (as well as classical and contemporary poems) is a great past time. The Works contains 120 of Pam Ayres' best-known poems from the 1970s and 1980s, including The Battery Hen; Please Will You Take Your Children Home Before I Do Them In? by Pam Ayres Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth, And spotted the perils beneath, All the toffees I chewed, And the sweet sticky food, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth. Homework! It’s like crossing the equator! The sky was grey.We had nothing to do and nothing to say.We were nearing the end of a dismal day,And there seemed to be nothing beyond,THENDaddy fell into the pond!And everyone's face grew merry and bright,And Timothy danced for sheer delight. Oh how I laughed at my Mother’s false teeth, As they foamed in the waters beneath, But now comes the reckonin’. This poem is related to. Her poems take a humorous and honest look at life's pleasures and tribulations and includes such poems as Oh I Wish I'd Looked After me Teeth and Do You Think Bruce Springsteen Would Fancy Me?. I am a battery hen, on me back theres not a germ, I … Did I flick off the switch? funny; Comments about Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money. I’d have thrown all me sherbet away. I loved it as a child but had forgotten it till today. And here’s the reason why: So I can push you out of bed When the baby starts to cry. We could have sailed there, calm and sweet. Yon lions 'et Albert"And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed! How grievous is the emptiness on entering the hall. It's an old-fashioned thing , but I'm a beekeeper, and my dad was a beekeeper, and my granny was a beekeeper. someone's got to be summonsed"So that were decided upon. Pam Ayres, ‘Oh, I Wish I’d Looked After Me Teeth’. Said mother as she got the mop: These messy games have got to stop !The Dog - Ogden NashThe truth I do not stretch or shoveWhen I state that the dog is full of love.I've also found, by actual test,A wet dog is the lovingest.My favourite - Ogden NashA Word to Husbands To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. 18 comments. “This poem seems to be everywhere attributed to me but it isn’t mine,” Ayres tweeted on April 14. Read all poems of Pam Ayres and infos about Pam Ayres. Is my orchid bent over and starting to choke? You could see that the lion didn't like itFor giving a kind of a rollHe pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im And swallowed the little lad... whole! We have had a look at a few Spike milligan poems and Edward lear poems. . Yes, I’ll Marry You by Pam Ayres is one of our favourite wedding poems… “Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear. Mail on Sunday I keep smiling, remembering moments performed by the incredible Pam Ayres at the Curve Theatre Leicester last night. We need laughter in our lives just now and Pam is a master at this. Choose a poem They Should Have Asked My Husband Down The Line Yes I’ll Marry You My Dear Woodland Burial This is page 1 of 1 (This thread has 12 messages.). THE DOLLY ON THE DUSTCART - Pam Ayres Poems : Poems » pam ayres » the dolly on the dustcart. A collection of the poetry of Pam Ayres, this book offers an amalgamation of all her published works. “WOODLAND BURIAL”: a poem by Pam Ayers Don’t lay me in some gloomy churchyard shaded by a wall Where the dust of ancient bones has spread a dryness over all, I switched on BBC Radio 7 purely by chance while in the kitchen this morning, and was rewarded with this: ... poems. Pam Ayres is absolutely essential to British humour. Oh, homework!You're last on my list.I simply can't seewhy you even exist.If you just disappearedit would tickle me pink.Homework! “It’s by Jan Beaumont.” Indeed, Beaumont originally posted the poem on Facebook on March 27. For the music it is missing, and my home is incomplete. In the jingle of her collar and ecstatic doggy smile. For this new edition Pam has written a general introduction, as well as individual introductions to the poe The 71-year-old poet, comedian, songwriter and presenter first found fame with an appearance on Opportunity Knocks in 1975. "Click!Then the gardener suddenly slapped his knee,And doubled up, shaking silently,And the ducks all quacked as if they were daftAnd is sounded as if the old drake laughed.O, there wasn't a thing that didn't respondWHENDaddy fell into the pond! Poetry4kids.com - we were in stitches, especially the one about the toughest baker, My favourite is The Lion and Albert - a monologue originally.There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,That's noted for fresh-air and fun, And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom Went there with young Albert their son. “If you call her ‘Fifty-four’ for a while, you ’ll learn it by heart,” she said. Pam Ayres poems, quotations and biography on Pam Ayres poet page. To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. or debate this issue live on our message boards. "Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller I think it's a shame and a sin For a lion to go and eat Albert And after we've paid to come in!" Will I have to keep trying so hard? Not me!". or debate this issue live on our message boards. There were one great big lion called Wallace His nose were all covered with scarsHe lay in a som-no-lent postureWith the side of his face to the bars.Now Albert had heard about lions How they were ferocious and wildAnd to see Wallace lying so peaceful Well... it didn't seem right to the child. We are no longer accepting comments on this article. So I lie in the old dentist’s chair, And I gaze up his nose in despair, And his drill it do whine, In these molars of mine, “Two amalgam,” he’ll say, “for in there.”. Pam Ayres on Gardening. Here is a collection of the all-time best famous Pam Ayres poems. Yes, I'm going to kill my husband, I shall have him to be sure, He's never going to curse my navigation any more. The tongs were turned off. For details of Pam’s current and future theatre tours, visit pamayres.com. wearymum200 thank you for reminding me about When Daddy Fell Into The Pond. If they haven’t seen us for a while. Taken from You Made Me Late Again! See more ideas about poems, funny poems, verses. ', 'Sling Another Chair Leg on the Fire, Mother' and, … Here is a selection from her new collection. See more ideas about poetry, funny poems, poems. Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too. A brilliant poem as funny as all her poems are! by Pam Ayres I am going to kill my husband, I have stuck all I can stick, His constant criticising is getting on my wick. Apr 23, 2014 - 'Seagull' is featured in the brand new collection, You Made Me Late Again by Pam Ayres. To think this woman was just being a dick/trying to make things hard for people who are distancing? Oh, homework!I hate you! I still love so many Please Mrs Butler and Heard it in the Playground poems. Now, as my key turns in the lock, the sound I miss the most of all. Oh, Homework!by Jack Prelutsky============ Homework! 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